


Guilty Conscience

by Arwriter



Series: Learned Behavior [14]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Late Night Conversations, Past Abuse, Patton blames himself, so does janus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:28:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28535901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arwriter/pseuds/Arwriter
Summary: Patton knows he’s a hypocrite. Sometimes it’s just so much easier to care about someone else.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: Learned Behavior [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1918165
Comments: 36
Kudos: 227





	Guilty Conscience

**Author's Note:**

> Something short to set up the upcoming angst

  
  


Patton had always considered himself to be fairly observant. Oblivious sometimes, sure, and he definitely had a habit of trying to ignore the negatives, but he always saw more than he let on. 

Apparently, he wasn’t as observant as he’d thought. 

Everyone had told him not to dwell on it, Virgil especially, and he tried to take their advice. He really  _ really  _ tried. 

And sometimes it worked. Sometimes he could put all his energy into the present, on making things better, on ensuring it never happened again. He could try to fix his mistakes, even if he had no right to be forgiven. 

But there were times when he couldn’t help it, and he found himself sitting up in bed in the dark, replaying old memories over and over again in his head, thinking about everything he’d missed. Every warning sign, every red flag, every silent cry for help he’d been too blind to see. 

Patton often thought about the first time Virgil had joined them for dinner, the night he’d revealed his name in an act of trust. Right after they’d stopped him from ducking out, disappearing completely. 

Sometimes Patton let himself wonder what would have happened if they’d been too late. If they hadn’t even  _ looked _ for Virgil. If Thomas hadn’t been so dysfunctional without him, he would have been left to fade away to the subconscious. He would have vanished from their lives forever, before they even got to really know him. 

Virgil would have faded without ever experiencing a shred of true kindness. Virgil would disappear still thinking he was meant to be beaten and hated, knowing nothing but fear until the day he died. They would never have been able to show him otherwise, and they never would have known to regret it. 

That first night he’d joined them as more than Anxiety, Virgil wouldn’t even step foot into the kitchen until the food was on the table- and even then he’d looked like he wasn’t sure he was allowed to be there. 

Once they’d all gotten settled down, Virgil had been wide eyed and tense the entire time, watching them all warily like he expected them to poison him. It had taken Patton a moment to realize the anxious side hadn’t even picked up his fork, and another to work up the courage to ask him if something was wrong with the food. 

“It’s fine- I’m ok,” Virgil had said quietly, but Patton had caught the slight tremble in his hands. “I just...sorry, I’m just not...are you actually ok with- with this? With me...eating?” 

And of course, they’d all assumed it was just his anxiety about eating with them properly for the first time, still hesitant to believe they were actually willing to accept him, and Logan had gently assured Virgil that he was more than welcome to eat as much as he wanted. 

Virgil hadn’t eaten very much that night. The same thing happened the next few meals he had with them, hesitant and tense, barely touching his food. Patton had decided not to push, letting Virgil take his time to settle in and get used to the changes. 

He wondered what would have happened if he  _ had  _ pushed, if he’d realized that Virgil hadn’t been sure if he was  _ allowed  _ to eat, convinced he would be hurt if he didn’t ask permission for something so simple. 

It wouldn’t have undone all of the hurt Virgil had already gone through, but Patton would have been able to reassure him  _ sooner.  _ He could have kept himself from lashing out like he had the first time he found out about the treatment Virgil considered normal. 

But there had always been evidence of what had been happening behind the scenes, long before Virgil ever felt safe enough to tell them his name. Little things that had been easy to miss back then, but were so  _ obvious  _ now. 

He’d always been closed off and quiet, but the light sides had just chalked that up to him being...Anxiety. Patton had always been careful to be polite, but now he knew he should have looked closer. 

Virgil had always carefully kept his distance, unusually wary whenever someone would walk into the room, and Patton had seen him trembling a few times one of them got too close. 

The long sleeves and baggy clothes, the times Patton had seen him with a little extra concealer on his face, the way he’d sometimes ask permission to leave the room even when they already saw so little of him. 

Virgil had avoided the kitchen like the plague, too. (Even after they’d learned the real reason why, it still took months to convince him it was safe) Patton had once found him getting a snack in the middle of the night, greeting him with a tired, “Anxiety?” 

Virgil had jumped, stumbling over his words as frantic apologies spilled from his lips, and Patton had been too tired to do much other than quickly reassure him and step away as Anxiety hurried back to his room. 

Virgil hadn’t been able to look Patton in the eyes for a few days after that, always flinching away from any movement when he briefly appeared in the living room, leaving even quicker than usual. Patton had naively assumed he’d just been startled, and wanted some space like usual. 

Patton had been an idiot. He should have seen Virgil was being hurt  _ years  _ ago, not when Virgil had been driven to ask why his family wasn’t doing the same. 

Patton was always so desperate to keep everyone from focusing on the bad things in life, he’d ended up turning a blind eye to suffering happening right in front of him. Suffering he could have stopped. 

Virgil had only lashed out at them once, but Patton knew he hadn’t meant it. Not really.  “ _ You never bothered to talk to me until I was useful, anyway!”  _

Virgil had apologized over and over again, convinced he would be hurt for the outburst, but Patton almost wished he hadn’t apologized, that he’d stuck to what he said and believed it. 

Because on nights like this- sitting alone in the dark of his room thinking about how things could have been different- he knew Virgil had been right. 

They hadn’t gotten to know Virgil until they realized they needed him. They hadn’t bothered to look past the aggression drilled into him, never thought to wonder  _ why  _ he was so distant until it was almost too late. 

They’d left him to endure the abuse on his own, when he could have been safe so much sooner if Patton had just looked a little closer.

Virgil didn’t blame him, no matter how much he should. Even after all this time, he still just seemed amazed he was being offered safety at all. 

Patton was glad for that at least. It wouldn’t undo his mistakes, but at least he could hold Virgil close and listen to him breathing, reassuring himself that they  _ hadn’t  _ been too late. Virgil was alive and safe with them. He would never be hurt like that again. 

It helped, but it didn’t do much on these nights. They were less common than they had been in the beginning, but Patton was familiar enough with the racing thoughts to know he wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight. 

He was never able to keep himself from crying, but he’d press his hands tightly over his mouth to muffle any sound. He couldn’t make anyone worry about him- not over this. He wasn’t the one who’d been hurt. 

Patton sighed, the sound small and shaky, wiping at his soaked cheeks as he threw the covers back. There was no use staying in bed with no distractions. He’d get a drink to help his now raw throat, and then put on some hopefully calming music. 

He knew it wouldn’t do much, but it was better than nothing. 

Patton padded down the hallway, wrapped up in his cat hoodie and hiccuping softly from lingering sobs, but when he made it to the kitchen he quickly realized he wasn’t alone. 

There was a single light turned on over the sink, casting the kitchen in a dim, golden glow. Janus was seated at the table with his hands folded in front of him, and even in the poor lighting Patton could see how  _ exhausted  _ he looked.

When he glanced up, mismatched eyes dull and pained, Patton thought he was looking in a mirror. It was hastily concealed in a second, but the guilt and shame held in his eyes was a perfect reflection of Patton’s own.

He knew Janus was being plagued with it too, bombarded by thoughts of everything they missed. All the signs had been right in front of them, and if they’d just thought to look they could have stopped it.

But instead they were here, kept awake by their own regret, weighed down by the irrational belief that they were the only people who could have ended the abuse. 

“It’s late,” Janus said, too strained to be casual, and Patton knew he’d seen it too. “Do you plan on sleeping anytime soon?” 

Patton smiled sadly, wiping away the residual tears as he made his way into the kitchen. “Not tonight. You...want some tea?” 

Janus shook his head, going back to staring blankly at the table, and Patton didn’t try to change his mind as he silently bustled around the kitchen. He made himself a cup, but made sure there was enough hot water left if the other side changed his mind. 

“Mind if I keep you company, kiddo?” 

Janus scoffed like he usually did at the nickname, but he gestured vaguely at the empty chairs, so Patton took that as a yes. 

He settled down in the seat next to Janus, watching the snake carefully as he sipped at his tea. Watching Deceit at least gave him a distraction from the tightness in his own chest. 

But he knew that look far too well, knew Janus was getting lost in memories and what ifs, and he knew it was tearing him apart. It looked like he hadn’t slept properly in days. 

He took a risk, setting his mug down to gently place his hand over Janus’s own, who eyed him warily in response. Patton smiled, squeezing gently like he did for Virgil. 

“It wasn’t your fault, Janus.” 

For a moment he couldn’t read Deceit’s expression, feeling abruptly vulnerable under his stare, and he was unwittingly reminded of the court case, of being picked apart and turned in circles until he was lost. 

Janus tore his gaze away with a resigned sigh, but he didn’t pull his hand away. “Of course,” he said, sounding unconvinced. “I’ll believe that when you do.” 

Patton winced, tightening his hold without thinking. “It wasn’t...we couldn’t have known. We couldn’t have  _ known.”  _

It came out more desperate than he’d intended, like he needed Janus to agree, to reassure him, even if it was just a lie. Patton would settle for lies tonight.

_ “You _ couldn’t have known,” Janus corrected, and it only made Patton feel worse. “I...Patton, I  _ watched  _ him lie when he was hurt. I  _ saw  _ the change happen, I watched him close himself off and become...scared. I never knew he was so  _ scared.”  _

“You couldn’t--” 

“I  _ ignored  _ it,” Janus snapped. “He pushed me away and lied when he was hurt and I thought...I never _thought_...I should have gotten him out of there. I could have stopped it from getting that bad.” 

Patton ran his thumb along Janus’s palm, swallowing past the lump in his throat. “He doesn’t blame you.” 

“I know.” His voice came out more of a croak, and Janus scrubbed a hand over his face before continuing. “That just makes it so much  _ better _ , doesn’t it?” 

Janus was watching him again, eyes sharp like he was reading the moral side like an open book, and Patton resisted the urge to squirm away. He wondered why he could come up with a million reasons why Janus wasn’t to blame, but couldn’t do the same for himself. 

“Maybe sometimes,” he admitted, choosing his words carefully. “But...it’s worth it. It means he feels safe here. With us. He’s...he’s letting us do better this time. You might not think you deserve it yet, but being a family means the world to  _ him.  _ He’ll learn to trust you.”  __

Janus wasn’t meeting his eyes anymore, pursing his lips as his free hand ran idly over his scales. “I won’t...there’s nothing I can  _ do _ that can make up for what I let happen.” 

Patton had gone through this before, back when the shock and hurt had been fresh. He’d had time now to mull it over, to process his guilt, and even after all this time it still popped back up on bad nights. 

Janus had only just found out, still hurting and blaming himself before the people who had actually put their hands on Virgil. 

“I don’t think he wants that,” Patton said. “I think he just...wants to be safe. He wants us all to be safe.”

He felt Janus tighten his hold, watched him take in a shaky breath as his eyes grew shiny from tears pooling in his eyes. He blinked them away before they could fall, and Patton felt his heart break. 

“You can cry, Janus,” Patton said, but he knew it would fall on deaf ears. “You’re allowed to be hurt.” 

“Nothing  _ happened  _ to me.” 

“You weren’t hit,” Patton said. “But you’re  _ hurting.  _ And if Virgil knew, he’d want to help you as much as you want to help him. He’s not angry at us, and he doesn’t want you to go through this alone. No one does. You can...you can ask for  _ help.”  _

Janus was quiet for a moment, the silence in the kitchen suddenly deafening. Patton glanced at his tea, wondering if it had gone cold by now. He hadn’t really planned on drinking it in the first place. 

Janus gave a short laugh, sudden and humorless, looking up to meet Patton’s eyes once again. “You first, Morality.” 

_ Ah. _ Well...Patton couldn’t argue with that, could he? Not when Janus was looking at him like that, like he could see every lost battle clear as day. Patton wasn’t the only one looking in a mirror tonight. 

“I...suppose I am a bit of a hypocrite,” he admitted, offering a small smile. He always was when it came to things like this. “But I’m alright, Janus. I really am.” 

Deceit sighed, raising his eyebrows in that way he did whenever he caught one of the sides in a lie. “Of course you are, Patton. And so am I.” 

_ Touche.  _

That seemed to be the end of the conversation, the silence that fell no longer feeling quite so forced and heavy, but neither seemed particularly inclined to move. 

Patton dropped his head on Janus’s shoulder before he could think to talk himself out of it, shutting his eyes against the sudden urge to curl up and cry, the weight on his chest close to unbearable. 

Janus only tensed for a second before relaxing slightly, and he didn’t shove Patton away with an annoyed growl, so he figured it was alright if he stayed for a moment. Maybe the comfort would do them both some good. 

At some point, Janus scooted his chair closer to drop his chin on top of Patton’s head, the two of them sitting silently at the kitchen table, letting themselves get buried in their guilt. It was easier to place blame in silence, anyway. 

They stayed that way until the sun began to rise a couple hours later, bathing the kitchen in the pale light of dawn. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, there's some really heavy angst coming up. Sorry not sorry in advance <3


End file.
